Grief Guide

Lets be honest, grief is horrible. There is no timeline to it, yet, at times it seems like others feel we should be over it in this two week mark. The loss of another human that meant the world to you can not be squeezed into whatever time bereavement period given. Sometimes it is not even someone your blood related to and the loss eats you up on the inside. My grief battles have been almost what feels like my entire life, yet even with all the years of loss my big brother's death shook my identity to the core. I recall my little brother and grandmother at her table, the anxious energy around me and my screams. I felt trapped left here on earth, with this need of my older brother's voice, his annoyance and most importantly his presence. I sat at the kitchen table just, there. When I finally spoke asking how my mother handled it, they just looked at me. "You did not tell Ma!", totally understandable because who wants to be that messenger. None of us, that's for sure!

My brother lived a full life, and I mean truly a life that experienced all that life provides, the good, bad & ugly. He battled so much in his life and although surrounded by love he just could not see it in the moments it mattered most! My brother for the last ten years of his life battled addiction to all things you could be addicted to but I think the worst addiction for him was love. He was a cancer. A water sign, as a water sign I know the requirement for love on our level can be debilitating to our psyche. We seek to belong in a way that not just family or friends could fulfill. We seek someone that is just our own,regardless of reason or logic; we also have the requirment for excitment and passion (at least most of the water signs i've met including myself),Something alluring and mystical, basically a fantasy/fairy tale type of love.

To me my brother was this huge warrior image in my mind, someone who could battle many and a brain that was so wise! Although he also was my biggest annoyer, he held this sacred spot in my life that I would not know I lacked until the day I no longer had access to it. I had not seen my brother phsycially in almost six years, and little did I know I would not see him agian in this lifetime.

I was crushed to no end. Two days prior to his transition my love, my female soulmate, my bestie, the other mother to my older boys had also transitioned to spirit form. I had not fully felt the impact of her transition until my brother died and I could not go to her for true comfort. I could not be held by someone who loved not just me but my older brother as well. I was lost beyond the emotion of loss. I had to grow in pain, and in that moment. I was at this standstill moment in time where I did not want to be where I was but needed to be. I could not run, but wanted to. I couldn't find solace in a human as my "person(s)" were no longer walking the earth.

The year prior I started grief therapy for myself, and my youngest due to her father's transition to spirit in 2021. She needed reassurance that she was not alone in the loss of a parent and I needed new coping skills. For all the classes I attended nothing prepared me for life on earth without one of my biological siblings. I have truly not healed and know I never fully will. Older siblings have a bond with us middle children in a way that is unqiuely ours. There are years prior to arrival of a younger sibling, and even then more years until that sibling can hang out with you. My older brother was my best friend, my protector, and the only person on the earth that would talk shit about my mother with me when she hurt my feelings. That is now gone from the earth, well I can still complain and I definetly have since his passing. However not getting the replies is what I miss the most.

I encourage group therapy because it does something peculiar, you feel heard and seen when crying and sharing with strangers. Maybe its that we have similar circumstances for loss. Maybe it's the not having a personal connection where your allowed to share your anger for how the person left this earth. All I know it it helps tremendously! Journaling also helps, taking up hobbies and finding new joys to your life helps as well.. I don;t think there is one way to grief the loss of a loved one. We simply have to take things one day at a time. I am still processing loss of my daughter's father, which triggers my saddness from the loss of my father. Life doesn't make sense and does not pause for us to reflect etheir. We truly just keep moving like the hamspter on a wheel. There is no more than two weeks for close relative loss, and one week to three days for loss of anyone outside immidate family from our employment. Don't they know I will be grieving forever, that a thought could pop in my mind and tears will flow like rain down my face! Don't they know that loss is deeply wounding with a crippling effect! How are we to grieve for a week and then jump back to a normal routine? Holiday's come up, and birthdays occur and all the while we are made to go to work, tend to our homes, and continue our lives like the loss was a blip in our timeline.

Some days are difficult to move out my bed, those are the days I am gentler to self. I've started a new morning routine where I can listen to music that hold memory of my brohter and my dear friend. I greet them and my other ancestors good morning and sometimes make them some coffee. I find ways to live my life while honoring their spirits. Not only do I make time for the dead, I also am finding new ways to cherish each breath I take. I go for longer walks on the weekends, I make new meals with my children and we openly talk about grief and loss while finding ways to see messages from our departed family and friends. A butterfly is a sign from myu daughter's daddy and she and I blow him a kiss to the heavens, my bestie she sends me lady bugs, my brother comes through in music. Two days after my brother passed I went to BestBuy, I walked in and the person who welcomed me was named Nick, the person I asked to point me in the right direction was named Nicholas, He pointed out another staff member whose name was Nicky, who then walked me over to another Nick, who cashed me out. My brother's name was Nicholas, I called him Nicky as a child, and Nick when I got a few years older. All I could do was smile and laugh while thinking, ' Leave it to you to send me a sign but make it so obvious and wild that I'd have to know it was YOU!'. I miss my big brother something awful, and imagine that I will feel like that everyday for the rest of my life. For those of us that are mourning a loved one, please be gentle with yourself. Please don't put a time on the deep healing required for grief. Please take those days off! Please live a little extra for those no longer here. Please celebrate loudly!! Please say yes! Please, say no! Just do whatever you believe is best, for you, in each moment. One thing that I have found to be extremely helpful is to make a playlist. My brother's playlist consist of many 80s songs, rap, hip hop, and anything that I would play to annoy him as a teenager,I also have movie marathons for him and watch childhood favorites with my children, that provides opportunity to talk about their uncle and my childhood. On my soulmates birthday, I drank coffee early in the morning and watched the sun come up like we use to after nights of going out, I drank her favorite soda-coca-cola all day, I made sure to have cake, and I wore her June necklace her children gave me as remembrance. On my brother's birthday I will be getting a tattoo, because he loved them and was covered in them.

Bottom line is this- Grief is not linear, in grief group we talked about it being like spaghetti noodles, twisted and intertwined within each other (and that's before any sauce or meat is added). There is no time limit on when to start or stop grieving. We simply just grief, in increments, in days, all our lives. There will be many times I will truly feel the loss of my brother and I allow the tears, anger and sadness to come and honor that those emotions are valid. To have had a brother that loved me so much that the lack of the option to hear his voice or see his face with his big ol smile or get that hug I never received but needed puts a emptiness in my core that no other human on this earth can replicate. I know that is one of deepest connection I have had on this earth. How lucky are we to be able to hold memories and reflect with pictures and videos of those no longer here.

to my big brother,

rest peacefully among the stars

xoxo (lee-lee) leahlogic